Finally.

“And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” – Paulo Coelho.

Since I was young, I always wrote anonymously. I have always dreamed of being a writer but I pushed that out of my mind because I had no idea how it was supposed to make me money. And being a child to immigrants, your priority is to “get a good job that will make you money.” So, I had to find something else.

I still, ALWAYS loved writing. Like really. Back when dial up was a thing, yes I am definitely showing my age here, – I wasn’t mad when my mom had to use the phone and I couldn’t use the internet. (And let me take it back for anyone who is reading this, who is not a millennial. Before Wi-Fi was a thing, we’d have to connect to the internet through our home phone.. aka a landline… aka a big phone that is merely for calling people, not a whole computer in your pocket.) Anyway, with dial up internet, when someone was on the phone you couldn’t use the internet. And sometimes, when someone would call you, it’ll kick you off the internet. As a kid I’ve always loved the computer. The computer is the reason why I wear glasses now. I would spend hours on it. Playing the sims, playing schoolhouse rock games, going on AIM with my friends, playing dress up games on myscene.com, and my favorite of all – writing on Microsoft word. Sometimes when our internet was cut off, because we couldn’t afford the bill that month, I wasn’t even mad – I would just go on Microsoft word and write short stories.

Fictional ones. Those were my favorite. And then, I would beg my mom to buy me floppy discs, so I could save my stories on them. As I’m writing, and reminiscing on these moments, I could only smile so much. The younger version of me would be super happy to see me now. Picking back up writing at 29 years old. And most importantly, the young version of me is smiling because I am doing it because I love it – NOT because I am focused on making money. The young version of me is smiling because she is creating space for herself to exist. Without the constraints of worrying about who’s watching, who’s reading, and if this is making, or costing, me money. That’s a conversation for another day, but if you can’t already tell – I do not come from a silver spoon. I come from hardworking parents who have done their best to provide for me, and from even harder working grandparents who made their way to this country from Jamaica. So its not that I was raised to believe money is everything, but instead, I was raised to believe its necessary if I want to “live a decent life” – whatever that means. And because of that, my writing dreams were deferred.

“Luckily, my dream did not entirely dry up, like a raisin in the sun. Nor did it fester like a sore, and then run.”

It’s time for my dream to explode – and now become this. What you are now reading. My first ever blog post in my adult life. What took me so long, you might ask? Well, everything. Self doubt. Distractions. Nerves. Doubt. Fear. More doubt. Uncertainty. School. Work. Working while in school. Life? All the things.

I struggled with excuses, a niche, a title – everything you could possibly think of. And then, one day I decided to just do it. I always felt like I was no good at titles, and I moved back and forth between something that had to do with dreams – inspired by Robin D.G Kelley’s book Freedom Dreams: The Black Radical Imagination (which I’ll get to in another post). But then I also thought about myself, and all the other women who have dreams that they have deferred. And then I also thought about everyone, with a dream who put it off for other reasons. And it drove me to this title. While the title centers women, I know that WE ALL may have dreams that we’ve put off. And yes, we will certainly dig into that later too.

So anyway, years later, we are finally here. And if you’ve made it this far, I thank you already. I am hoping that you get something from this blog, as I created it to be a third space for all of us. To just come, dream, and merely exist. My hope is that my writing is liberating for myself, and everyone with a dream. And to my daughter, my sweet, sweet daughter, if you’re ever reading this I hope you know you too, can live out your wildest dreams. And my biggest hope is that it doesn’t take you as long as it took mommy – no pressure my baby.

Still, I am happy we are here. I made the blog. Finally.