What is People Pleasing Anyway?
Before we get into a dictionary.com definition, or something like that – I’d like to acknowledge that you probably got here because you are either wondering whether you’re a people pleaser or not, or you’re just genuinely curious about this post. Regardless, I have good news for you! I will not pretend to have the answer to whatever question you are seeking, or some very wise profound way of helping you get there. Instead, I think of it as planting seeds. Maybe something would spark a thought and encourage you to go deeper, regardless – I hope you find something here helpful.
Anyway, so what is people pleasing? Well a cute little search on the google will tell us “someone who prioritizes the needs and desires of others above their own, often at the expense of their own well-being.” Before you start wondering “Who the heck would ever do that?” Take a look at some of the characteristics of people pleasers: Someone who has trouble saying no, someone who overcommits themselves, someone who struggles to set and stand firm in their boundaries, and also someone who may struggle to identify their own needs and instead values the opinions of others over their own.
Does this sound like a problem? Maybe not so much on its own, but it can potentially lead to some. Some studies suggest it can lead to burnout, anxiety, and just plain ol’ exhaustion. And while it’s easy to read about what it is, what the characteristics look like, and what it can lead to – it isn’t always easy to detect as people pleasing. Sometimes, some people think that’s just the way they are.
What sparked my interest in this topic is because I began reading the book “What Happened To You: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing” By Bruce D. Perry Md, PhD and Oprah Winfrey. It’s a pretty interesting read, if you’d like to take a look into it – the book discusses the impact of trauma on brain development, personalities, and how it impacts individuals later in life. I am particularly interested in the neuroscience behind how trauma impacts the brain, and really love the ways in which the development of the brain is explained throughout the text. But anyway, before I nerd out on what I’m finding interesting – in chapter 1 Oprah Winfrey mentioned how things like sexual abuse, and or being groomed to be compliant, can impact someone as they bury their feelings, and become a people pleaser. Thus, making it difficult for people to speak up for themselves and leading to perhaps some of the characteristics mentioned above.
Nonetheless, it’s important to be aware of the concept of people pleasing and how it can manifest itself. Awareness is the first step in healing, and for some it might also be the first step to getting your voice, autonomy, and power back.
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