And more often than not, choosing yourself is the best choice.
When my alarm went off at 6:00 this morning I was confused. I didn’t know where I was, the day of the week. It took me 2 minutes to process the reason for this triggering and nagging sound at my ears. And then it dawned on me — time to get my daughter ready for school. We arrived home yesterday, after a 12 hour long drive (TWICE). I haven’t slept in my own bed in about a week, which is unusual for me because after I stay outside of my home for three days I have an itch – LITERALLY, to get back home.
While wiping the matta (Jamaican term for eye boogers, eye crust? Whatever you call it) out of my eye, I sleep walked my way into the bathroom. I knew I had to wake up – fully, make her breakfast, lunch and get her ready so I decided to do what I see them do in the movies – splash some cold water on my face. I brushed my teeth, and indeed got myself ready. After making my way to the kitchen, I played some music and began my mommy morning routine. While filling up my daugher’s water bottle and packing her lunch box I regrettably looked down to the floor and saw the repercussions of my previous days decisions – to leave a MESS for me to clean up the next day.
I’m talking (clean) laundry on the couch, shoes scattered on the floor, and our travel bags tossed to by the front door. I told myself, because we got in from our long drive yesterday, that I was going to prioritize, because I couldn’t do everything at once (Get us home from a roadtrip safely, loose my keys then retrieve them 3 hours later, clean the home, and do her hair to get ready for school – all on 2 HOURS of sleep after a 12 HOUR DRIVE). NO. So, I decided to leave the mess for the next day, plus I knew no one was coming over anyway. While it’s 6:20 in the morning, I’m then faced with another decision, do I stress about this mess or prioritize, again? I chose to prioritize. So, I focused on getting my daughter ready, and sending her off in a good mood and THEN, I focused on myself. Before I continue, I must add this is a radical decision any woman, and any MOTHER could do. To focus on herself, her own well being, at the expense of a messy home. But it was necessary, I needed to recharge my cup. Not to mention, my throat was sore and my nose was stuffy. So clearly, I needed to rest, right? Right.
After I dropped her off at school, I decided to do a little reading, have some tea and breakfast, and then plop right back into the bed for an hour and a half nap. That hour and a half turned into 3 hrs, as I listened to my body and laid there for a while longer after my alarm went off. After waking, I realized I only had about an hour until I’d have to pick up my daughter. So, I made myself some lunch, got myself ready and headed downstairs. My daughter likes to go to the park afterschool, and I made the mistake ONCE of not feeding myself before entertaining her and her friends at the park. So while faced with another decision – clean up my messy home, or take care of myself – I chose ME.
Things took a turn, for the worst, at the park. One of my worst fears ever happened. I became exposed. Remember how earlier I said no one was coming over, so they wouldn’t know it’s a mess upstairs? CHILEEE. My daughter, practically begged me to grab her a snack upstairs. I usually tell her we only go upstairs when we’re leaving the park. However, her grandmother visited the park with us today, and joined her in her pleas for a snack. Succumbed to the pressure of the grandparents, I headed upstairs. I tried to rush off quickly because I didn’t want anyone else to come, and expose me of my messy home. But, that’s EXACTLY what ended up happening. “Chadae, wait up! I’m coming with you!” Were the words I heard that made my heart drop. I panicked. Faced with multiple decisions, and choosing ME all day, I had no idea what to do in this moment. “Okay!” I said. As we got ready to go upstairs, I noticed my friend had to talk to me about something that was bothering her, and I was happy to comfort her and offer some advice. In hindsight, I realized that’s what truly mattered. However, in the moment I was still afraid. As I put my key into the door, bracing myself before opening it, I had to cut her off mid story and say “Fair warning, its a mess in here. Please, no judgement.” And left it at that. She didn’t say anything and instead, came in, marveled at my bookshelf, maintained her positive energy and we continued to have girl talk.
It was actually nice to leave the chaos of the park a bit and just talk, mama to mama about a dilemma. In my mind, all I could focus on was how messy my home was, when instead I should have been focusing on how blessed I am not only to have a home, but also have friends who’s willing to confide in me, chat with me, and not judge me.
Throughout the day, I was still panicking about how I would be perceived. (IDK maybe has something to do with Jamaican parents reinforcing the idea of making sure everything is clean so people won’t have to chat us??) So I called my sister because I needed to unload this experience, and SHE KNOWS ME so I knew she’d understand. My sister helped tremendously in changing my perspective from shame to realism. She reminded me that this is what comes with authentic friendships, impromptu moments like these. I was so worried about how I would be perceived, that I didn’t realize — authentic friendships consists of your girls sometimes coming up to chat. Things won’t always be polished or pretty. Some moments may be raw. I won’t always have time to brush up my home before company arrives, because I have friends who live nearby and some days we just end up in each other’s houses. We’re also ALL parents of littles, so we know 9 times out of 10, the house gets messy the SAME DAY that we clean it. The conversation I had with my sister reminded me that friendships, and moments like these, is actually something I didn’t realize I wanted (not to be shamed like mess of course, but my friend stopping by to get something off her chest that she’s been going through). I attest some of that desire to my girls Joan, Toni, Maya, and Lynn because after watching girlfriends and realizing the power of womanhood I couldn’t help but yearn for a group of girlfriends to do life with. Imagine, having the space to pop up at your girls house, eat her lunch, unload about your day, and leave with leftovers for tomorrow? Its beautiful actually.
In this season of my life, I’m learning to let go of my desire to control everything and instead focus on authentic relationships, and to live in the moment. While this post likely started off coherent and clear, it almost turned into a stream of consciousness, might be a little messy even if I admit. And while that’s not my typical writing style, I don’t quite have a desire to change, polish, and revise this post. Because, this is also a part of me. Sometimes, my posts will be polished, clear and concise, and sometimes they’ll read like a journal entry. Nonetheless, I wanted to share that this experience, of choosing rest and opening up my space for a friend in need of conversation is new for me and I am embracing and enjoying every moment of it. I am learning to focus on the things and people that matter, and to leave the little things like an untidy home (for a short amount of time, because I am a little bit of a clean freak), or fear of how I may be perceived as things I will no longer invest my energy into. While this is uncomfortable and new, this is what it feels like to evolve – and evolving happens slow and steady.
I hope this serves as your friendly reminder that if you are a mom (or any parent rather), and you decide to choose your rest over cleaning up the living room – that you’re still a great mom, you’re not crazy or messy, and your REAL friends and family will NOT judge you. We are all just doing the best we can, and the expectation that we’ll have it all together and have everything perfect all the time is the real enemy. Spend more time in the present moment, listen to your body’s needs, and give yourself grace, always. You’re doing a great job.
For Women With Dreams 